Your baby is ugly.

One of my co-workers was delivered of an 8 lb 9 oz 22 inch long turkey on Thanksgiving day, courtesy of her newly fecund daughter. The same daughter whose exploits in the newly "free" Iraq we were regaled with daily. (Honest to god, My co-workers main concern, once her daughter returned home, was that her daughter provide her with grand-children. Immediately. My main thought at the time was you're goddam lucky your daughter is still alive.) Not to mention the 900 endless wedding photos of same daughter and hubby. Now....daughter has produced a son! Mazel Tov!What talent! We will now never hear the end of "L'il Peanut"

Everytime one of my friends tell me they're pregnant...on the outside I'm all "congratulations" on the inside I'm all..."your life is over". Children are the death of fun. I especially hate it when guys say "We're pregnant" Didn't know you could get knocked up, dude. Feeling a little left out, are you?

"L'il Peanut..it looks like you went through a meat grinder. Red, conehead, UGLY. Moms, your babies are ugly. Get over yourselves. You have birthed an ugly, red, bulldog faced, cone-headed monster, and it's not going to be presentable until it's a year old. Please just stay in the house with it until then, (while it sucks your very soul dry) and think about such weighty matters as bottle vs. breast, and what colour is the correct colour of baby shit, and what KIND of diapers, and how big should the stroller be? the size of a bicycle? A car? A house? Oh, and the endless sleepless nights, which you actually have the nerve to complain about.

18 month old kids are cute. Your infant is not even on the footpath leading up to cute.

Baby foxes are cute. Human infants are not.

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Remember how Regan, in the '80's, in a very compassionate way, closed a bunch of mental hospitals, forcing thousands of mentally ill people out on the streets to fend for themselves? Apparently, some of them were able to get the help they needed, and were able to settle down. Some of them asked you for spare change last week, and some of them didn't get help, yet manage to function and do things like work, marry, reproduce and write blogs. Here's one of them....This person is severely mentally ill. When his head finally does explode, I'm sure we'll all hear it.